Yesterday the reports were to come. I had an appointment with the doctor to discuss them. I arrived there 10 minutes early and was waiting outside.
My turn came. I entered the physician’s room. The doctor was standing 15-20 meters away from the door. He was reading a report. I started walking towards him and while I was at a distance of 5m he announced I had lung cancer. Yes, lung cancer.
For some period of time I did not know what to say. I looked down at the floor. After a moment I looked up to enquire. Before I did it, the doctor said – “you have 2 weeks left”.
I was taken aback. I asked him, if there is something else I can do, like some other tests or consult other doctors somewhere else. He said – ‘Go home’.
I had quit my job to pursue my dreams. I had some savings left, but now I was feeling sad that I hadn’t withdrawn my PF yet, for it takes over month to credit to my account and I don’t have enough time to use that money.
I was sad that I am left with so much to write, about my childhood experiences. There is so much to write but so less time. Anyway I decided that I will write at least 2 childhood stories every day. But then, the fear, what if I am unable to complete?
I felt bad that I have not yet learnt to play music and now the time is too less to learn anything.
I was glad that I have been practicing yoga and meditation for I believe it would contribute in increasing my life span a little bit.
I had recently become lean and I was crediting them to my experiments. Though I never had any coughs or breathing problems and nor do I smoke, I had sensed some problems in my stomach. I cursed myself for ignoring the symptoms.
I can still go to another doctor and get it checked once again. May be the reports might have been mixed up. I was on my toes to go and talk to my yoga teacher for he had contacts with good doctors. And I believe he could give me some tips for making it easier on me.
I do not have a job and I’ve postponing getting a health insurance done too and now I was worried how am I going to manage the expenses if at all there is a treatment available and my savings aren’t enough.
I was also scared about how it is going to end. It was a lung cancer and I was wondering if I will find it difficult to breathe in the end.
My head was lying on my elbow and I slowly lifted myself. Even though the fan was switched on and running I found my forehead wet with sweat. I check the time – it was 0517AM. I try to recall the hospital that I visited but I can’t. Well, it wasn’t a reality but a dream. Some of you might be mad at me for explaining my dream this way. It wasn’t my intent to scare you. Apologies. My intent was to communicate the fear that I felt when I woke up today morning. I seldom remember dreams and I find it uncanny that I could recall this dream in such great detail.
Honestly I don’t know if I will stay alive for 2 more weeks, or even tomorrow. Nobody knows. From all the evidence that we have right now, it looks like it is just one chance that each of us have. And in spite of all these facts in front of me I find myself lost sometimes. I need reminders to come back. Reminders to prioritize what is truly important. And this dream was one. The horror was difficult to take in. Well, how hard it is to believe that we are all mortals?
I got the reminder – this is the news I wanted to share.
Fear less, hope more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; love more, & all good things will be yours.
I wish you a very happy 2013.